Quote:
Originally Posted by DETRoadster
Man you remind me so much of one of my best and longest friends, it's really incredible. He too obsessively over-thinks and analyzes EVERYTHING when it comes to women. He's just turned 50, is single, and has had 1 actual romantic relationship in his life. He's a great guy but his ability to sabotage things and land himself in friendsville is epic. This woman you are hanging out with is your friend, nothing more. She may have had romantic interest in you in the past but its now gone, I believe. She's got a good, safe, friend to pal around with who takes care of her and buys her things. There's nothing expected in return from you other than companionship. it's safe and comfortable for her which is HUGE for women as they always have in the back of their mind "If I let my guard down and have a few drinks, alone at this guy's house, am I going to get myself in a bad situation?" Your inability to stand up for yourself and voice your desires combined with zero romantic overtures (so far as I can tell) has lead to this situation in which she truly sees you as nothing more than a good friend. Stop waiting for the Hollywood movie version where the good buddy suddenly wakes up one day and realizes you've been the one all along, right under her nose. I'll bet you a million $$$ she knows full well you have romantic feelings for her. But she doesnt want to rock the boat by addressing it and because you dont push the issue, you stagnate. I'll also bet you she's quietly dating people on the side. She's just not telling you because she doesnt want to crush your heart and risk the friendship.
Not saying you cant still be buddies with her, but my man, you need to start looking elsewhere for love. Start dating. This girl aint going to happen for you in that way. All those self-help books are geared towards how to drive a NEW relationship in the direction you want. This current train is already off the romantic tracks. About the only thing that could pull it back is for you to stop having time for her because you are out with other women.
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Thanks for your response! And all the other replies!
Yes, I clearly have some "non-standard" personality traits and find myself to be happiest when I am alone to tinker with things. I was raised to be a giver, so I give all I've got, sometimes for the wrong cause and to the wrong people. And it's brought the good for me in places (school and career success), but also the bad (relationships, clearly). On the one hand, people (and all these books!) will tell you "not to settle", but I think that's NOT the case: rather, you have to be sober in what you are to expect from the relationship/your partner.
To a certain extent, I look at myself in this situation like an engineer asking: why he can't get his car to fly. Cars don't fly. In essence, I am wondering about things that just don't work that way, i.e. I am expecting something where it is not to be found.
Hence all the comments "move on" or "run"... i.e. quit trying to get the car to fly, get an airplane.
All in all, I am thankful for the experience, and to have learned what I have learned. My next step is going to voice what I want to her - because now I have seen patterns - and let things be... no, not "cold turkey", but I have tried and played my part to be able to pronounce what I wish to say with a clear conscience, given the benefit of a doubt, that I will prefer to NOT be part of some situations, than to be there.